Is this mindset preventing you from getting the rest you need?
Society often downplays the value of moms. In a quest to get the recognition we deserve, we can subconsciously fall into a pattern of “martyr mode.” The martyr mindset tells us that by demonstrating just how tough motherhood is by working ourselves to the bone, we can prove our worth to our family or society. We end up digging ourselves into a hole and falling into the role of "Mom Martyr," believing that enduring hardship, and wearing our struggles as a badge of honor, is the only way to show how valuable we are.
We take on every responsibility and wear ourselves thin, proving we can handle it all without asking for help. But here’s the truth: you don’t get a trophy for being exhausted. In fact, there’s no reward for running yourself ragged and burning out. Just because you can do it all, doesn’t mean you should. Rather than enlightening those around us to the value of our work, we are instead reinforcing the unrealistic pressures and burdens that society places on moms.
“Other countries have social safety nets; the U.S. has women.” - Holding It Together: How Women Became America's Safety Net by Jessica Calarco
Being in martyr mode might sound like:
You might find yourself venting about your lack of sleep, offering detailed accounts down to the hour to anyone who will listen. When they suggest you try something different, you baulk and justify why tiredness and exhaustion is simply your “new normal.”
You might encourage your spouse to go out and enjoy some time away from the family, only to feel resentful that they’re having more fun than you. You long for your own time-away, but even when it’s offered to you, you refuse.
You feel it’s your responsibility to keep your home spotless, stock it with healthy snacks, and ensure your kids are always happy, try to avoiding a feeling of”guilt” if you don’t succeed at the unrealistic pressures you put on yourself. However, sometimes what we interpret as guilt may actually be a restless urge to constantly be performing.
You put your own needs at the bottom of the list—skipping showers, missing meals, or even holding off on bathroom breaks—claiming there's just "no time." Meanwhile, you meticulously schedule every minute of your family members' time, with much of it depending on you.
You have a recurring argument with your partner regarding who has it worse. “Oh your boss yelled at you today and you were late to your meeting? I got pooped on twice, went to three stores until I found the right formula, and the baby didn’t nap today.” These one-upping, winner-less fights are creating a rift between you, but yet you can’t help but compete for the title of “the biggest loser.”
If you see other family members relaxing, you might feel compelled to stomp around and huff and puff while doing chores that could definitely wait until later, all while putting on the "mom is always busy" show for everyone to see.
If any of these items resonate with you know that this is a judgement-free space. I hope you feel no shame or embarrassment about falling into any of these thought patterns, they are often ingrained through subliminal cultural messaging about what constitutes a “good mother” and experiences from our past and when we act on them our intentions are good.
However, that doesn’t mean that you can’t take steps to shake things up. By shedding light on some of the thought patterns that we can subconsciously get wrapped up in, I hope to give you the tools to make decisions that better serve you and your well-being so that you can get more out of motherhood. Acknowledging that we may be subconsciously allowing ourselves to fall into a victim mode instead of taking responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings and actions is the first step in breaking the cycle and addressing the real issues facing mothers, there are many - from the unequal division of labor in the home, to the workforce and society at large. In the meantime, in order to get others to appreciate the work you do, you need to first appreciate it yourself. The work of motherhood is hard enough without piling on the pressure to “prove ourselves” and sacrifice our well-being and joy of the experience while doing so.
So what would it look like to break the cycle? First of all, recognize that changing patterns is always hard and takes lots of practice. The key is consistency - consistency gives us progress, while not always perfect, progress is always better than staying stuck.
Tips for overcoming Martyr Mode:
Foster awareness of where you are now - when we're caught up in stressful situations, our behavior often changes without us realizing it. It can be tough to recognize how we're contributing to our own stress. However, once we start becoming aware of our beliefs and actions, we can make more mindful choices and begin practicing them in our daily lives.
Before you make a plan to begin making a change, identify your “why” - how would you feel if you changed your behavior? What would it be like to experience motherhood less worn-down, less resentful, more empowered? What values will you be honoring as you begin practicing a new way of being?
Ask yourself, “How can I do less, better?” and begin planning small steps to get you there.
The term "priority" comes from the Latin word prioritas, which means “first in rank, order, or dignity.” Essentially, there can only be one “first thing”—one true priority. Before the 1900s, the word "priorities" was seldom used. However, starting around the 1940s, time management experts managed to transform the concept of a singular priority into a multitude of "priorities." It’s time we took back the true meaning of the word and focused on what really matters.
Remember, if everything is a priority, then nothing is. By re-focusing on what is truly important in our lives we can actually operate at our highest potential, rather than half-assing our way through most activities and interactions. Furthermore, when we know we aren’t operating at our best it’s easy to get down on ourselves and feeling like we are failing when in fact we are simply stretched too thin. When we do less, better, we feel pride and accomplishment throughout our day which revitalizes us and gives us motivation and energy. For every to-do list you make, make an equally long (or longer) stop-doing list.
Re-evaluate your attitudes about rest.
Attitudes about rest are crucial here. We live in a culture that often equates constant activity with productivity and value. But rest is not just a luxury—it’s restorative, necessary, and productive. Spending time with your baby, cuddling, feeding, and bonding is incredibly valuable and productive in its own right. You don’t need to “do enough” to prove your worth or get permission to rest, your value is an inherent characteristic of human beings and not dependent on your “productivity” as a human doing.
“When I stopped trying to do it all, I was able to give the best parts of myself to the things that mattered most.”- Rachelle Crawford
Accept help - sometimes it’s available, but we just can’t accept it.
The availability of help matters little if it’s not accepted. Unfortunately we often convince ourselves that either the help available to use won’t be enough to make a difference, or we believe that by asking for or accepting help it’s an admittance that we aren’t capable of handling things on our own.
As Becky Vieira aptly puts it in her book Enough About the Baby, "When we’re not coping, we assume we need a radical change to make a difference in our lives. We feel like a bottomless pit that no amount of support can help. And because most people can only provide smaller things, we don’t see how their support can help. But those small acts of support actually have a big impact and multiple small acts add up."
It’s essential to recognize that seeking help and accepting support isn’t a sign of weakness, or admittance that you aren’t capable; it’s a practical and healthy approach to managing your life. Remember, just because you can do it all doesn’t mean you should.
It’s important to emphasize that the responsibility for changing this mindset doesn’t fall solely on those who are carrying the weight of the work. Those within a person’s support network must recognize their vital role in alleviating the burden. By actively stepping up and sharing the load, they can help create a more balanced environment. Together, they can collaborate to discover lasting solutions that lighten the load and foster a stronger, more supportive community.
Conclusion
Martyr mode often stems from a psychological pattern where you feel compelled to sacrifice yourself for others at your own expense. While this victim mentality might offer a sense of validation, it can also leave you feeling powerless and overly dependent on others for your self-worth. You don’t gain anything by enduring unnecessary suffering and boasting about it as though it's an achievement. Instead, recognize that taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s essential. Embrace the importance of rest and allow yourself to step back and recharge - and insist that others step up to allow you to do so. By doing so, you'll find a healthier balance, strengthen your relationships, and become a happier, more fulfilled individual.
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