Are all couples less happy after having kids?

Sep 12

It’s no secret that the addition of a new family member (or members) can bring significant challenges, especially to relationships. A common question many new parents grapple with is: Are all couples less happy after having children, or is it just us? Let’s dive into the complexities of relationship satisfaction during the postpartum period and explore how couples can navigate these changes to maintain a healthy, fulfilling partnership.

The arrival of a baby signifies a new chapter in any relationship, often highlighting both similarities and differences in how partners navigate this transition. Before the baby, couples might have enjoyed stable routines, shared responsibilities, and emotional support that kept their relationship steady. However, once the baby arrives, these dynamics can shift dramatically. As a result, The Gottman Institute has found that 67% of parents experience a decline in relationship satisfaction after the birth of their first child.

Yet, this statistic might not capture the complete picture. While the arrival of a baby indeed brings about significant upheaval and a steep learning curve, it's important to recognize that this period is characterized by extreme highs and lows. The intensity of emotions can be much greater than before.

To better understand this transition, consider this visual representation that illustrates the emotional rollercoaster of parenthood. The top graph depicts a sharp decline in relationship satisfaction following the birth of the first child. However, the bottom graph provides a more nuanced view, showing that while average satisfaction may be lower compared to more stable periods, there are also moments of significantly higher elation alongside the challenges.

Source: TED talk, "Let's talk parenting taboos" by Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman.

This suggests that, despite the tough adjustment period, there are also significant moments of joy that help balance the difficulties. This becomes even clearer in hindsight; although parents may feel overwhelmed while in the “trenches,” reflecting on their journey often reveals that the challenges of parenthood are integral to its rewards. These struggles not only foster personal growth but also highlight the profound and fulfilling aspects of the parenting experience.

You might look at this graph and think, "Yes, the highs are higher and the lows are lower, but there's still an overall decline." And you'd be right. However, I want to point out two additional factors that the data might not fully capture. First, these studies can't definitively show whether the drops in relationship satisfaction after having a baby would have occurred even if the couples hadn’t had kids. Since average relationship satisfaction declines for many couples during the early years of marriage, it’s possible that these natural changes—from the “honeymoon phase” of dating and engagement to the reality check of the work required for lifelong companionship—are being mistaken for the effects of having a baby. Thus, it's tricky to go from saying that transitioning to parenthood is "linked to" changes in a couple’s relationship to saying it actually "causes" those changes because we can't run an experiment where couples are randomly assigned to have a baby or not. Basically, we still don’t really know if becoming a parent is the main reason why many parents see a drop in relationship quality.

Secondly, this overall decline highlights the importance of considering parental relationship satisfaction within a broader societal context. It's not just about the highs and lows; it's also about understanding how these experiences are influenced by external pressures and support systems. The data specifically reflects the experiences of parents in the United States, where parents report lower happiness compared to their counterparts in countries like England and Australia according to a study by Jennifer Glass, Robin Simon, and Matthew Andersson. Interestingly, in some countries, such as Norway and Hungary, parents are actually happier than non-parents. The Glass study explains that variations in national public support for parenting, such as paid parental leave, vacation days, and workplace flexibility, significantly impact parental happiness. This suggests that work-family conflict, rather than parenthood itself, is what explains why parents may feel less happy.

In addition to a lack of government-level support for parents, pervasive unrealistic societal expectations in the U.S. can also amplify the pressures couples face. Messages about “perfect” parenting and ideal family dynamics create pressure that is often exacerbated by social media comparisons. This external pressure can intensify feelings of inadequacy and stress within the relationship. Couples frequently struggle with fairly dividing household responsibilities and managing the needs of the baby, leading to conflicts over “keeping score” and limiting time for romance and connection.

Moreover, communication barriers are shaped not just by the external changes—like the surge in household tasks and the juggling of work responsibilities—but also by profound shifts in the “internal landscape” that come with the transition to parenthood. This internal shift includes the emotional and psychological adjustments that both partners experience, further complicating how they connect and communicate. Hormone fluctuations in both partners can alter brain structure, while sleep deprivation and stress impair the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain responsible for reasoning and communication. This can result in heightened sensitivity, intensified emotions and an increased likelihood of communication mishaps and misunderstandings.

So, where does this leave us? While two-thirds of couples report a decline in relationship satisfaction after having a baby, that means one-third of couples experienced no such drop. This raises an intriguing question: What did these couples do differently? What strategies or approaches helped them maintain their relationship satisfaction amidst the challenges of parenthood? According to The Gottman Institute, three main themes emerged. Let’s dive into these insights and explore some tips on how you can apply them to your own parenting journey.

1. They had a strong sense of friendship pre-baby, and consciously made the effort to maintain it after the birth.
- Stay curious and resist the urge to assume you know what your partner is thinking. It's easy to jump to conclusions about those closest to us, but true connection comes from continuously learning about and understanding each other. Instead of sticking to closed-ended questions like "Did you remember to call the pediatrician?" or "Whose turn is it to change the diaper?", try asking open-ended questions that nurture your bond. Questions like, “How are you feeling about taking paternity leave?” or “What values do you think are important to raise our child with?” can keep the romance alive by making each person feel seen and valued.
- Seize every opportunity to show appreciation—it's a fundamental element of maintaining an intimate and supportive connection. Especially in the harder times, knowing that our efforts—despite their imperfections—are appreciated for their good intent makes all the hard work feel worthwhile.
2. They practiced healthy conflict management.
- Be aware of the “four horsemen of the apocalypse,” which are conflict patterns that have negative long-term implications for relationships, and actively try to implement their antidotes. This takes practice and a willingness to be self-aware.
  - Defensiveness occurs when a partner responds to a concern by shifting blame back onto the other, often by playing the victim or martyr. This leads to escalating blame and conflict.
    - Antidote: Instead, partners should listen actively, focus on the needs being expressed, not necessarily the words being said, and express empathy to de-escalate tensions.
  - Criticism involves attacking a partner's character with statements like "you always" or "you never," making them feel fundamentally flawed.
    - Antidote: To avoid this, focus on specific behaviors rather than personal traits, and express feelings without assigning blame.
  - Contempt is the most harmful behavior and includes actions like eye rolling, mockery, and insults. It signifies deep-seated dissatisfaction and can predict relationship breakdowns.
    - Antidote: To counteract contempt, cultivate a "culture of appreciation" by actively valuing and connecting with your partner.
  - Stonewalling is withdrawing from a conversation to avoid emotional overwhelm, often seen as disengagement or tuning out.
    - Antidote: Instead of stonewalling, take a brief break to calm down and return to the discussion more composed.
3. They tackled the varying needs of a newborn as a team, this creates a sense of shared purpose and accomplishment.
- I once read a parenting manifesto that suggested, "your partner isn’t the enemy, the baby is the enemy." At first, it seemed a bit harsh, but the underlying message is valuable: the challenges of parenthood can be tough, but it's important to remember that you’re on the same team. Instead of trying to fix each other, focus on tackling problems and working together to find solutions.
- In addition to remembering that you’re on the same team when problems arise, take time to proactively create moments of shared meaning and connection. Establish family traditions that reflect your values, and ask about each other’s life goals to see how you can support one another in achieving them. These practices help foster a sense of unity and enduring connection.

Navigating parenthood is undeniably challenging, often described as a rollercoaster with its highs of joy tempered by stress and sleep deprivation. While many couples face a drop in relationship satisfaction after having a baby, this isn’t a universal experience. The significant changes a new baby brings aren’t necessarily signs of a troubled marriage but rather a common challenge, especially in a country with limited parental support.

When difficulties arise, avoid placing blame on yourself or your partner. Instead, focus on fostering compassion and understanding. Developing the patience and empathy needed to maintain your connection is a continuous process, with both successes and setbacks.

Embrace parenthood as a journey that tests and strengthens your relationship. Approach it with curiosity and compassion, knowing you’re not alone. By working together and supporting each other, you can build a stronger, more resilient partnership through this transformative time.

Further resources: Bringing Home Baby Workshop by the Gottman Institute.

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