Maximize your postpartum support.
Research shows that support is crucial to physical recovery and mental well-being in the postpartum period. However, we don’t need research to know that support is essential. Especially for American mothers, with a lack of societal measures to support the family such as affordable childcare, mandatory parental leave, etc.
Image source: @MommysBundle
The first step in creating your postpartum support system is to sit down and make the longest list possible of all the people who could provide help, even in “small” ways. Having a large group of people to call on minimizes the chances that you will feel like you are “burdening” any one person (even though odds are you probably aren’t). Small things could be things like asking a neighbor who always takes their dog for a walk to bring yours along as well (especially in the first few weeks postpartum when your physical activity centers around rest). Maybe a friend who has a toddler the same age as yours could cut up extra fruit for your toddler and drop it off at the house. Maybe it’s doing a “real check-in” which sounds like: what is going well? what is hard? how can I be more supportive?
How many people should be on the list? As many as you’re comfortable with but ideally around 3 or so. In our individualistic American culture, there's often an unspoken expectation that our partner should fulfill all our needs, especially during major life transitions like parenthood. This "super partner" myth can place an unrealistic burden on your relationship, as both you and your partner are navigating this challenging time. Remember, your partner is also adjusting and facing their own set of difficulties. By widening your support circle and seeking help from others, you not only share the load but also ensure that both you and your partner have the space to adapt and thrive. Embracing a broader network of support can transform this transitional period from overwhelming to manageable, strengthening both your well-being and your relationship.
Now that you have a long list, take some time to think of the support strengths and weaknesses of each person. Some things you’ll need help with will be physical tasks - like cleaning, cooking, errands, etc. Other things will be emotional support and social connection. Some people might be pros in the physical tasks category, but heart-to-heart conversations make them sweat. Other people will empathetically listen while you pour your heart out, but they can’t tell the difference between dishwasher soap and dish soap. Play to people’s strengths in order to align your needs with what they can offer.
Emotional support tips:
Although it’s undeniable that talking about your mental and emotional well-being needs with a supportive person is beneficial for your short term and long term well being and adjustment to parenthood, it is often easier said than done. Opening up is vulnerable and sometimes things don’t go as we had hoped. One way to avoid this is to think about what you’re looking for from the other person - solutions to a problem, or an empathetic listening ear? In other words, do you want to be helped or heard. Once you’ve answered this question for yourself, don’t be shy to share it up front with your conversation partner. Let them know that you either just want to vent, and ask that they listen without judgement or offering fixes, or if you would like their advice on a particular challenge you’ve been having. Setting this groundwork prevents situations where you either feel as though “they just aren’t listening” because they are assume you want advice when you want to be heard. Or “they aren’t doing anything” when you need a partner in problem solving, and they assume that you are simply venting frustrations.
If you feel that those closest to you won’t be able to understand what you’re going through, or you’re worried about how they will react to the things you say, consider joining a free online support group through Postpartum Support International - they have over 50 categories so you can find support with other parents whose situation is similar and groups are moderated by professional postpartum support volunteers to ensure that each member is respected and heard.
Physical support tips:
Be specific, it’s crucial to voice expectations, otherwise the gap between expectations and reality can grow wider and wider and this becomes a space where resentment flourishes. You might think saying, “I need help” would be enough to get the ball rolling, but there’s lots of ambiguity as to what this could look like in action. Your definition of help, and their definition of help may vary widely, creating a situation where they believe they are helping, but you still feel completely unsupported. Make a list and get everyone on the same page. Send people recipes - ask them to make enough for two meals - one to eat now, and one to freeze and enjoy later. Tell people to deliver meals only in disposable containers to cut back on dishes that need to be washed. These are not “unreasonable” things, if you think it would make your life easier, then ask for it. People are generally more willing to help than we give them credit for - helping people in a time of need makes people feel valued and gives them a “happiness trifecta” hormone cocktail of serotonin, dopamine and endorphins.
Although it’s important to say out loud specifically what would be helpful and what wouldn’t it’s also important to embrace flexibility. No matter how specific you are, you can’t control every detail of how people will do things. Sometimes this leads moms to think, “it’s just easier if I do it”, by doing so they think they can avoid having to re-do things people did “the wrong way” or save themselves the time of explaining every little detail. This is a “short term gain, long term pain” mindset. In order to maximize support in the long term and short term it’s crucial to let people learn by doing. Before stepping in and correcting someone, take a moment to ask yourself, is the way they are doing it wrong because of a safety issue or a matter of preference? If it’s a safety issue, certainly don’t hesitate to speak up. If it’s a preference issue, remind yourself that your preferences were likely developed through a series of trial and error and this is how you yourself learned to do things the “prefered way.” You probably experienced the hassle of a leaky diaper a few times before you learned that special way of doing it that creates full leak proof protection. If you let your helper trouble-shoot a leaky diaper, they may come to the same conclusion on their own, or they may find an equal acceptable and effective method of their own. Either way, they’ll be learning to do it and experiencing the pride of self-efficacy. It’ll be a bonding moment and a growth moment in their caretaking journey. This isn’t to say you necessarily have to watch people struggle if you know a solution, but rather to say that leaving room for learning, rather than just doing it all yourself can be beneficial for all parties.
And if you do want to offer your wisdom, asking permission to share your method creates a more receptive environment. By starting with, “may I show you what has worked for me?” and giving them the choice of taking advice or not, you are communicating that you believe in their abilities, that they are capable of finding their own way, but that you are also available for support if desired. Oftentimes they will take the support, and by saying “yes” their brain automatically becomes more primed to be receptive to your advice versus becoming defensive. Advice that isn’t asked for feel like criticism - asking before you give the advice is the work around. However, be willing to accept that they may say “no”, and allow the process to unfold without your intervention.
Speaking of criticism, be aware that positive reinforcement is more effective in changing behavior than negative reinforcement. Seize all opportunities to show appreciation, this builds self-esteem and motivates the helper to continue to put forth the effort. Focus on what is going well and then, if you need to suggest an adjustment to the way things were done, phrase it using “and” rather than “but” - For example, “I like that you washed all the bottles and when you go to dry them please be sure to use a clean cloth from this drawer. This maintains a positive tone, while still getting the point across that a clean cloth should be used to dry the bottles.
Re-evaluate beliefs around what has to get done. We are so used to doing, doing, doing, that we forget to leave time for just being. Being in the moment with our new family and prioritizing above all the essentials - nutrition, sleep, and mental well-being. Especially if you have limited support, making sure that these things are the focus is going to make a huge difference. Almost everything else can wait.
You still may be thinking, this “building my ideal support system” sounds like a lot of work, I really do think it would be easier if I just did it myself, but remember, you are setting the stage for effective communication, for getting your needs met long-term. The effort made now is going to pay off throughout the entirety of your parenthood journey. Furthermore, by the time your child is old enough to ask to have their needs met, you will have an impressive skill-set to role model for them. We want our kids to be able to express their wants without bottling them up and melting down when it all becomes too much. We should want the same for ourselves. Not asking for help breeds resentment, resentment that goes on and on spirals out other issues and makes everything harder. Instead of getting swept up in the disaster that unmet needs leaves behind, it’s important to advocate for what you need. You will likely make mistakes, your helpers will too, the goal is progress, not perfection. Receiving help is an essential part of motherhood, trust that they will not judge you for requesting it, let your ego take a back seat, you weren’t meant to mother alone.
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